Dolph Lundren Still Doesn't Speak English?

Sorry to everyone who follows this blog closely and hotly anticipates every post, languishing when it takes me a while to get around to writing another. I know it had to be pretty rough on both of you because I have been slacking. I started a new job a couple weeks ago (What? writing this blog doesn't pay your bills?) and I have been adjusting to a new work schedule, etc. Anyway, lets get right down to it.

Last weekend I saw The Expendables, and before I say anything else, I first need to acknowledge that it was a VUI. That's right, a Viewing while Under the Influence. I must admit that I imbibed before...and during the film (my girlfriend has a big purse). If anyone reading this held me to higher standards (sorry Ma) in terms of going into every film with a clear head or just in terms of not drinking in unsanctioned drinking areas then apologize. Its definitely not a very sincere apology because I don't really regret it, but if it makes you feel at all better then that's good I suppose. After all, beer is great and so are movies. The combination has the potential to be nothing short of transcendent (thank you thesaurus.com). This is not to say that I do this frequently. I would say its an occurrence that happens once in a blue moon, and I just looked up how often that is, and trust me, its way less frequently than that. What is interesting about the experience is that I had planned for weeks to get together with particular friends, drink enough beer to have a strong buzz, and then go see The Expendables. What is it about this movie that made me want to see it while under the influence? Probably it was the fact that I knew that it was going to be a senseless money maker with a cadre of stars, and the only way that I was willing to give Sly and company the still as yet unripened fruits of my new labor was to do so in a drunken stupor. The fact of the matter is that some part of me still wanted to see it, and I guess I knew that drinking wouldn't impair my understanding of one-liners and explosions.

My thoughts on the actual film were mixed. The editing was pretty bad at times...and I really shouldn't even be able to notice that. It did have some excellent action sequences, and some big bangs, which always excites the dumbest part of our brains. It just could have been more, at least you would think so. All of these actions stars have winners under their belts, but this was a split decision at best. What I really feel like doing is just commenting on some of the actors and how they are in the movie, and because this is my blog, that's exactly what I am going to do. There are going to be A BUNCH OF SPOILERS IF YOU KEEP READING!!!! BE WARNED!!!!

Dolph Ludngren: This guys still doesn't speak english?! Rocky 4 came out years ago! All of his lines were awesome in that movie and short...which is clearly the way his lines need to be kept. Anyway, he kind of sucked in this movie. He was a lot like this giant emotionless automaton. He totally should have been dead and when we returned at the end it was totally stupid, but I suppose that is not his fault becuase he didn't write the movie...I'm looking at you Sly. He surely couldn't have with his seemingly basic knowledge of the english language. He did blow a guy in half with a grenade launcher though, and then laughed about it which I guess is pretty sweet.

Randy Couture: Terrible, I mean really terrible acting. Usually I don't sit in a theater and think, "Wow, this guys is really a terrible actor." I was actually caught off guard by how bad he really was. I mean, I wasn't really expecting anything much because he's not an actor, but this really surpassed my expectaions...in terms how poor of an actor he is. What was kind of cool is that they had him do some hand to hand combat and he used his MMA experience in the moves he did, like grabs throws, etc.

Jet Li: He provided the comic relief, which is cool considering his limited mastery of the English language. His Gort-like costar would not have been able to pull this off. He does some alright martial arts and is part of a pretty excellent chase scene but thats about it.

Sly Stallone: Starred, wrote, and starred in The Expendables. Not terrible considering he did all that. If you compare him to the likes of Clint Eastwood, who does the same thing, you would have to say that this pales in comparison, but it wasn't all bad. I mean, he was pretty good, but I found myself laughing at a lot of his lines...that was sort of predictable I suppose though. It seems though that Sly isn't that great of a director. Some of the Rocky movies are great, but none are as good of a film as Rocky...which he didn't direct. What was most memorable about him in this film is that he is starting to look like a male Joan Rivers.

Jason Statham: He probably puts forth the strongest acting performance in this film. Not that it was really all that difficult, but still. I have to say as well, he is pretty good in every movie I have seen him in, and he is in some movies that are really awesome: The Transporter, Crank, Crank 2, Death Race. When it comes down to it, Jason Statham is pretty awesome. I love that he is a balding action hero.

Micky Rourke: Not his best performance, but I stand by my statement that I wish that Mickey Rourke was in every movie.

Terry Crews: How did he sneak in this movie? My theory is that he just showed up on the set and everyone was like, "Yeah, I've seen this guy before in something. And he is pretty jacked. lets just give him a machine gun that shoots exploding projectiles and that will be his character." I liked him, and I thought that he was pretty good, but I can't think of a single movie that he was the star of. And yes, I ended that previous sentence with a preposition.

Ok, thats enough. The Expendables was fair. It seems like it was stuck in the middle or like it couldn't decide what it wanted to be. It could have better and been really enjoyable. It could have been worse and been enjoyable too because it would have been hilarious. It did have one of the greatest gems ever caught on film though. I never thought I would get the chance to see Bruce Willis ask The Governator and Sly Stallone "What? Are you two going to start sucking eachother's dicks now?" I would say you could probably skip the movie, but if you watch it while throwing back a few its not a total loss.

Thanks for reading and keep watching.